Those things we think and never, ever say out loud. Those dark, ugly, selfish, small, petty, irrational things we do not even dare to write in a journal. Those terrible things we think about that make us feel like we are horrible people. Guess what? It’s perfectly normal.
That is what my therapist says anyway.
Some years back I found myself in a terrible situation, a really difficult place in my life, and I did not want to continue to have contact with my family anymore. The toxicity of those relationships was killing me. Toxic relationships take a toll and for those of us that are less resilient that toll can a dangerous thing. That toll resulted in my hospitalization and near loss of my life. I almost died. I almost died because my mother could not love me the way that I needed her to love me.
Not in a “my mother won’t buy me the car I want” kind of love, but “my mother refuses to protect me from terrible people and lies about everything” kind of way that had crushed my soul for so long that I could not breathe anymore.
That was over two years ago. I have not spoken to my mother, my father, my family in over two years. And I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about that. I am a happier, healthier, better person without my family in my life. I am safer, more secure, stronger, more honest and authentic, a better person, a better friend, a better me. That is a difficult thing to accept, that you are better off without your family, that in order to be happy you have to create boundaries and limits you never thought you would have the strength to build and maintain. That you can find the strength to do those things and not feel guilty about it, well, my therapist would say that that is Perfectly Normal.
I am perfectly normal for feeling the only the smallest tinge of guilt about not feeling guilty and I can live with that.
Call Me Kate 