Phone a Friend?

Life can be littered with difficult situations of varying degrees of overall impact. What I have come to understand about myself and others is that asking for help can be difficult for both parties. Particularly when a difficult situation is created by ones own poor choices.

As a single parent and the only income earner in the house managing my finances was always a challenge. There never seemed to be enough money. Even though I earned a decent living wage my money management skills were (and still are) not my strong suite. Eventually, the financial dysfunction created many difficult situations for me. Utilities would be shut off. Cars would be repossessed. Luckily I had the support of my friends and family to help me through.

Looking back, I realize that many of the difficult financial situations I found myself in were really just created out of need to be saved. I was the one creating these hardships and placing the consequences at the feet of those around me. In a twisted way I was extracting a sense of self-value through these dramatics instead of building self-value and confidence by simply taking care of my finances on my own.

It took a toll on my relationships. But the greatest impact was within once my self-awareness grew and I had greater insight into my own behavior and choices. Today, I would not repeat those choices and am thankful for the love and support I received despite my inability to manage my own life in a responsible way.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Calling Uncle Bob.”

Fear is a Powerful Motivater

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Envelope Pushers.”

Fear, healthy and unhealthy, has been a topic of interest for me over the past year. What causes fear, what drives it, and the risks or rewards we experience in the face of fear.

My greatest fear is heights and/or falling to my untimely death. The fear was so paralyzing that I was not able to drive over bridges, stand on a ladder (or chair), or look outside when in tall buildings. My vision would begin to tunnel, my balance would be affected, my heart rate would increase, and my breathing would be rapid and shallow. All signs of impending death.

So, I decided to tackle this fear head on. First, for our anniversary I booked a sea plane tour over the Golden Gate Bridge. And I lived to tell the tale. Next, I booked us a Zip Line tour of the Sonoma County redwoods. Scariest day of my life, letting go and throwing myself towards the next landing. And I lived.

Now, I can ride roller coasters and drive over bridges with the best of them. I also know that there is no fear that cannot be overcome. For me, the key was not simply diving in head first but dipping my toe into the pond little by little until my confidence was greater than my fear.

A Good Read

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Spinning Yarns.”

When I get into a good book there is no walking away. Seriously, when I read The Red Tent I called in sick to finish the book after staying up all night reading. A good story teller transports the reader with content and context that is rich with description into the story, creating an invested relationship between the story teller and the reader. Finding the right combination of words and circumstances that creates this relationship with the reader is what makes a truly great story teller.

As a writer there is a desire to capture the emotional experience in such a way that it helps others either relate to or expand their own experiences or perceptions. When someone reads something that I have written and is saying “Yes, exactly” while they absorb the content of the message I know that I have created something compelling. And that is a GREAT feeling.

Oh, the Shame

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Grateful and Guilty.”

Dear Secret Shame,

Thank you for never-failing to make me feel both guilty and grateful.

Grateful for the reprieve from marketing and commercials. Indulgent guilt at enjoying back to back to back episodes of tv shows I have never had the patience to watch lest I endure the loud, intrusive commercial breaks and the constant recaps of what just happen five minutes earlier.

Netflix, I love you.

Your ever faithful couch potato.

Option C

Sparkling or Still

Some of my best days off have been unplanned adventures exploring the beauty of my Northern California home. A lovely combination of doing nothing with no planned destination or activity. We just love to see what is around the next bend in the road. Hiking trails, small secluded beaches, beautiful redwood groves, experiencing all the beauty and diversity of west coast living. It is wonderful to do nothing on a beach but watch the sun set, nothing but look around at ancient trees and feel awed by their size and beauty. Any place without cell reception. That is the beauty of nature, even in stillness it sparkles. The best of both worlds, for me, as it stirs my soul.

Relevant No More?

I have lost count at the number of job applications that I have submitted over the last several months. I can, however, unhappily count the number of responses my tenacious efforts have generated. Exactly two very sincerely penned Thanks but No Thanks…

Sadly, there has been nothing else. Despite my skills and experience, despite my best efforts at networking, working with recruiting agencies, and self-promotion, despite every fine-tuned cover letter and targeted resume I submit. Nothing. You keep thinking that it cannot go on like this forever, the right opportunity will present itself so long as you remain positive and focused. Soldier on, right? But, I am no soldier. I am a 44 year old woman with a currently bruised ego and a real fear that perhaps I am no longer relevant. That somehow I am no longer competitive and that I have skipped middle-age and went directly to relic. A fossil. No longer potent.

Other clues present themselves to me as well. The hot flashes, the night sweats, and my personal favorite; complete absence of concentration or memory. Recently, I was packing some boxes at home for my quarterly edit and purge. Several hours later I was not able to find my mobile phone. Being a creature of habit and a sticker for structure I could not understand where my phone could be. When I am not using my phone it has a place. And it was not in that place. My keys were in their place, my sunglasses in theirs, even my handbag sat in its usual spot. No phone though. I think to myself, I wouldn’t. But, I did. I had folded my phone in packing paper and placed it carefully in the box prepared for donation to Goodwill. Really?

I am beginning to feel like I have passed my expiration date and must have been removed from shelves without realizing what had happened. I’m discounted goods.

Having followed a less traditional life path, I wonder if it is my own doing since I never earned a college degree. With great pride I can state that every accomplished I achieved was based on the merit, quality, and commitment of my work alone. Without a degree I managed to work my way into great positions with great organizations and achieve the impossible: A Project Management role. Salary and all. My first salaried role and a very proud accomplishment. My lack of degree has been a sort of badge of honor for me, my own Girl Scout badge of accomplishment, my own way of assuring myself that I had something meaningful to contribute and that I could accomplish anything. Today it feels less like an accomplishment and more like a cautionary tale. My value has decreased I fear.

I am aware that I am not alone in this. I know others like myself; women who used to be able to pick and choose from employment offers can no longer find work. So, those like us working at finding work are reminded that it is “the market” we live in now and it is difficult to find a job. There is some comfort I suppose in those facts. But for me the question still lingers…is it me? Have I become an antiquated relic destined for a place on the dusty shelves of antiquity?

The uncertainty chips away at my confidence and the real fears of loss of income and lack of medical benefits make this a difficult reality to overcome with positivity. There is a lesson to be learned in this somewhere and the words of my yoga teacher come to mind when she asks us to evaluate our joy: “How are your relationships?” Oh, that. That is a conversation for another day.